A Sprinkle of Lessons Followed by a Downpour of Blessings: Infertility, Loss, and Overwhelming Love

I've been through a lot. Each of us have our struggles, and not all of us talk about them openly. There are several people out there who have been through far more than I, and I struggle through each storm understanding that. It helps me march on.

For two years, the husband and I tried for a baby. It seemed that people who didn't seem to even want a child could just snap their fingers and get pregnant anytime they wanted. In silence, I was wondering what was wrong with me, or why I was being punished. I stopped serving at the church nursery because I would be so envious that everyone else could have their babies and I couldn't have one myself. I blocked people on Facebook every time they announced a pregnancy because I was sick of hearing about it. It didn't make sense why something so natural was not happening for us. I went to the doctor, and found out it was the years of undiagnosed Celiac on top of PCOS that was keeping me from ovulating. I started medication- Metformin.

Then I had my moment. I had a positive pregnancy test. It was the single most exciting event in my entire life. I was going to have a baby. Or so I thought. At nearly 2 months pregnant, we had just told my in-laws and my parents. The very next day, I woke up covered in blood and in excruciating pain. The baby was gone.

A couple of months later, I had my next positive test. The thing about having lost one baby, on top of all the other things, is that your excitement for your following pregnancies are always muted. I was happy I had a positive, but I couldn't get excited about it. I did everything I could... maintained a very low sugar diet, didn't participate in high intensity exercise, and tried to be as healthy as possible. 18 weeks along, again I started bleeding. I remember my thought not even being devastation. I remember looking at Jake and saying, "this is it." Thankfully, it stopped, and Kai was fine.

My water broke at 41 weeks along. Not informed as I thought I was, I had an "emergency c-section" 25 hours after my water broke. That experience led me to have postpartum psychosis. It doesn't look anything like postpartum depression, so no one questioned how I was. I looked fine. On the inside, I was constantly fearing for Kai's life, jumping at every cry and having nightmares about him being ripped out of me. I cried in desperation anytime I would shower. Breastfeeding was another nightmare. No one ever says anything about the role Celiac plays in breastfeeding. No one mentions how low your fat content is unless you stuff yourself with a very high fat diet. Everyone simply makes fun of you for wanting to lose weight so quickly and not worrying enough about how healthy the baby is.

I followed my low sugar, whole foods diet, and took metformin when I got pregnant with Luca. Again, I couldn't get too excited. The pregnancy seemed too easy, until I found that no care provider would attend my birth and would only give me a c-section. At 28 weeks along, I found a wonderful midwife who shouldn't have attended my birth according to laws, but did because she believed I was right. She understood that I had the right to give birth and she wanted to be there to be my support. Luca finally came at 42 weeks + 5 days. He was wonderful and we all bonded in the vicinity of our own home. No one took him from me... In fact, no one held him other than me for the first few days when I finally realized I was hogging him. But, that was my first chance at holding MY baby I ever got. I took full advantage. At 15 months old, he is still MY baby and I know it has to do with his birth. And breastfeeding... he was tongue and lip-tied. I still managed to nurse him until he was 8 months old when regardless of my diet, my milk just couldn't maintain the fat. But that was a total success for me. I was happy. I am happy.

Then I got pregnant again. All these pregnancies... you would think I'm way more fertile than I say I ever was. Well, that's partially true. I have actually become what I would call an expert when it comes to fertility in women with PCOS and/or Celiac. I was on my way to an acupuncture treatment for fertility when I got my positive pregnancy test. I had been following a totally alkaline diet, low sugar, high in healthy fats, exercising normally, and taking my metformin, vitex, and dong quai. I was doing everything right. It just took a while, but then again, not really since I had just stopped breastfeeding. Maybe I could have gotten pregnant sooner?!

I understand infertility and how it feels to be that woman. I understand loss and how it feels to be that woman. I understand the hurt when I see everyone else getting pregnant and holding their children. However, I also understand how much excitement I have been denied in the process. I experience joy daily that I could never put into words. I love my children more than I ever thought possible. My children taught me what love truly means. They made me realize how much more I love my husband. They're amazing, and I will never ever suppress that joy. I deserve this joy, and this is my time to shine. I didn't just "fall pregnant". I worked hard. I gained weight ( I found that 17% body fat would never let me get pregnant, but at 19% percent I ovulated). I ate a very low sugar, low refined-foods diet. I took metformin (low dose), and vitex. I made sure my diet was around 90% alkaline. I eat very healthy throughout my pregnancies regardless of my unhealthy cravings. Some of us do have to work... but with all that effort and prayer, things will happen. I'd love to have another baby after this, but if I can't after all of my trying, I will adopt. Things don't always happen the way we plan, but they do happen the way they should. And we deserve to persevere as well as dance in our happiness. God gives us what may seem to be too much at the time, but he knows how much we can handle.

I Feel [SO] Pretty

So here it is...

My house still looks totally lived in (aka messy), but almost everything is crossed off my checklist for the day. My super awesome friends are coming into town to see me tonight, and I just signed my family and I up for a couple of great races in the next month. We're closing on our house in a month and my head is filled with all kinds of open tabs about what I need to get done when it comes to setting up the business at our new place and scoping out activities for the kids and such.

However, I had a great workout with Kai this morning (much better than having to squeeze myself between guys who only think they're stronger than me on the lifting platform at the gym) and I actually got in a shower in the morning for once. I don't ever feel ugly, but I never feel pretty. I don't really wear makeup, but not because I love how my skin looks without it, but because I don't really have the time nor do I feel like I would benefit from wearing it. However, this awesome girl was introduced to me a couple of weeks ago, and she brought Arbonne into my life. The constant skeptic that I am was totally against it, but I tried it out just to humor her. Holy moly.. what a life changer. I feel pretty. I felt pretty after three days, to be quite honest. The skincare is BOMB. I don't have crazy wrinkles, but I DO have age spots. I was that person who never wore sunscreen, then woke up one day at 25 and realized I had age spots already. I thought I was ruined. I don't know what the heck they do to their skincare (almost totally herbal blends with no bleaching agents and all GMO free and vegan), but it's magic. I feel good in my skin. I am wearing Arbonne makeup right now (just tinted moisturizer, bronzer and blush), but only because I'm actually going out tonight and I want to look a little more done up for my girlfriends, because you know how girls like to look good for other girls! Sorry guys!

Anyhow, it wasn't even the skincare that sold me... it was the baby line. I will spend and do almost anything on my babies. Kai has had eczema for 2 years now, and it has totally been taken care of thanks to the Arbonne baby lotion. It worked after 3 days! So, I thought I'd just try it on the husband for giggles since I've tried everything on his skin since we met. It smoothed out his skin in 1 day!

So just in time for Valentine's Day, I feel pretty again. Like, not pretty because I have been made-over, but pretty because I feel like I look on the outside the way I feel on the inside. I am so proud of my family for being awesome, happy for myself because I can help others for a living through personal training and nutrition, and I'm happy I can show that on the outside.

It's Kai's (and my) 2nd Birthday.

Two years ago today, I became a different person. I am worlds away from who I was before January 15, 2013. One moment, I was just another woman in my mid-twenties who was only concerned with my own well being, and my marriage. The next moment, at exactly 8:55 PM, I became a mother. I experienced a thousand different feelings all of the sudden, and I was forever changed. I became a mother, a feminist, a baby-lover, someone who sees love in every little thing, and am more joyful than I have ever been in my whole life.

Due to my unnecessary c-section, which I still struggle with, I learned things I never thought I'd need to know. But that experience made me a feminist. That experience helped put me where I am today. On Kai's 1st birthday, I cried because I couldn't help but remember that his birthday was the absolute most worst day of my entire life. My firstborn was cut out of me and I was told it was because I am not able to birth a child. But not this year. I'm only crying tears of joy this year.

I have feelings I believe you can only have as a parent (regardless of how you got there, or whether or not you are a biological or adoptive parent). Although I have always been a happy, optimistic person, I truly feel joyful every day of my life. Although I know that God is absolutely everywhere, I now see God unmistakably, everyday. Every time I look into my 2 year old's eyes, I see God. Before having children, I didn't love everyone's kid. I figured I'd be a mom who loved my kids, but other people's kids... not so much. But after having Kai, I love every single kid. I'm that creepy lady who smiles at your kid in the mall just because I think they're sweet.

On the plane the other day, I heard the man behind me say "I'm so glad I don't have kids to worry about" as he was looking at my husband with my 2 year old and me with my 6 month old. I just thought how that man will never experience the joy I feel everyday. I am tired, nervous, paranoid, and overwhelmed much of the time, sure. However, I laugh every single day. I have cried sad tears twice in the past 2 years. I cried when I was struggling with finding someone to attend Luca's birth, and I cried when my Grandfather passed away. Other than that, I have spent hours upon hours laughing until I cried.

2 years and one day ago, my water broke and I went straight to the hospital (mistake number 1). 5 months and 1 week ago, I thought my water broke and I had a fetal non-stress test since Luca was 2 weeks "late" at that point, so I stuck a pad in my underwear, went to my hospital doctor where I refused a cervical exam, then went to Panera for lunch. I think that sums up how much I've changed. 2 years ago, I did what people thought was right. 6 months ago to the day, I proved that I was a changed person when I brought Luca into the world in my own home with only people who loved me and my child, and supported what was best for us.

Kai (and Luca) has shown to me what kind of love still exists in the world. The kind of innocent love of a child who loves you just because you're his world. 2 years ago, God changed me. God made me the person my child needed me to be. God made me the wife I needed to be. My child and husband had who they needed. 6 months ago, God made me see that I was the person everyone else already knew I was.

Getting it back after baby #2

Getting it back without starving… you mean it can be done??

“You looked great after your first pregnancy, but you’re not going to lose your weight as quickly after your second.”

“You never get your pre-baby body back , not really.”

“So your body just sling-shot back into its original shape??”

These are just a few of the comments made to me before, between, and after having my two little ones. After my first pregnancy (a c-section), I lost all of my weight by 3 months post-partum without any special diet. At 6 months post partum, I decided to do a bodybuilding competition in the bikini division, which I did at 8 months postpartum. I went from 125 lbs down to 114 lbs with very restrictive dieting and a load of slow-steady cardio and heavy lifting. Everyone told me the baby weight after the first kid is always easy, and then the weight after the second slowly, if ever, comes off.

I had a vbac, so I figured being up and about would make the weight come off more easily than after my c-section. It did come off easily at first, but slowed down, and finally came off faster than with my first. However, I had a much more active pregnancy where I crossfitted 3 times per week until I was 41 weeks plus a day along. I also did cardio on top of crossfit and was always out and about with my oldest.  I will agree that this time around, my body did change. My measurements are the same as before, for the most part, however all the squatting during pregnancy seriously did a number on my glutes, and my abs are more defined at this weight. I am at my pre-pregnancy weight, but am lower in body fat. I can’t for the life of me squeeze my butt into my old jeans, and I’m actually okay with that. I can lift heavier than I did pre-pregnancy since I didn’t back off much throughout. Wait, you mean you can have gains during pregnancy? And you can have gains with crossfit??? Why yes, yes you definitely can. And thank goodness for that, because I hated my serious case of mom butt aka pancake butt after my first pregnancy.

And diet? You really are what you eat (and more importantly, your breastfed baby is what you eat). The only reason people do fad/crash diets that severely restrict what you eat or the amount of calories is to lose it in a certain time-table or for a competition of sorts. There is no other reason I can think of to do one of those diets. If you eat whole, unrefined, healthy foods that nourish your body, you will mirror that on the outside. There is no way one can eat at least 80% nourishing foods along with maintaining an active lifestyle and be obese and unhealthy. I have Celiac Disease and breastfeed, so I didn’t restrict my calories at all, and I didn’t do any serious meal planning because I wanted to eat whenever I was hungry since increased hunger might mean my baby is going through a growth spurt and needs some extra calories. I eat a good bit of steel cut oats, fruit, vegetables, green juice blends (blended, not juiced to maintain fiber), non-denatured whey protein shakes, meat, and lots of healthy fats such as coconut oil, organic butter and avocados… and lots of coffee. If you haven’t tried your coffee with coconut cream and maple syrup, do it. You can thank me later. When I want a plate of nachos or chocolate, my two favorite unhealthy foods, I have it, but I certainly don’t indulge more than once in a blue moon. You have to decide what kind of person you are. Do you have to have all junk foods outside of the house so that you don’t eat it? Or are you like me and if you didn’t have anything to treat yourself with inside the house you’ll go out and eat something way worse? I prefer to eat a chunk of dark chocolate a few times per week instead of going to Coldstone and getting a “gotta have it” sized tub once per week.

And no, my body didn’t just sling-shot back into its original form. I started doing bodyweight exercises just a couple days after birth, focusing on strengthening my core to prepare me to get back into the heavy lifting. I started back to crossfit at 2 weeks postpartum, and running at 4 weeks. By 6 weeks, I was doing everything RX at crossfit, maxing out my weights, and training for road races. I eat healthy at least 80% of the time, because I like to feel good, and eating well makes me feel well. So my healthy body is a result of the great effort I put into it.

And because I know this needs to be addressed, I do not by any means think bouncing back immediately after birth is something to strive for. Women lose weight in different timeframes. Some don’t lose it at all, and if that’s okay with them, that should be okay for everyone else. I simply don’t think that women should use their children as excuses, or tell other women they can’t lose their weight after x amount of children, or that real women have stretch marks and baby weight. I don’t have stretch marks, or extra skin, or baby weight, but I birthed two children, and most importantly I have the chromosomes that make me a woman. No scale or measurement will make me otherwise. It is incredibly hard to make time for efficient exercise when you have kids, especially more than one, and when you’re up several times a night nursing. I don’t blame anyone for waiting until they get more sleep to go all out in the gym. 

I write this not as a bragging piece, but to show the people who told me what can't be done that they were wrong. I write this because I've gotten so many comments from people about how I'm the kind of person women hate.... simply because I lost my baby weight. By the way, I have seen women who look MUCH better right after their baby, and I don't dislike them at all. I write this because every time a woman asks me if how old my baby is and why I look the way I do, I feel like telling them I am a personal trainer makes them more forgiving of me. I don't need to apologize for anything. I don't judge anyone for the way they look, and I shouldn't be judged either. But really, I am a personal trainer and am working on my M.S. in Holistic Nutrition..... would anyone really want to hire a fat personal trainer or nutritionist? 

Anything can be done. Do what you like, like what you do. Do what makes you feel good! Babies make me feel good, that's why I have two! :)

6 weeks postpartum

3 months postpartum

Got (non-dairy) Milk?

            Many disagreements exist regarding the health benefits of dairy, as well as the concerns of consuming raw, unpasteurized dairy. Much of the information concerning dairy is conflicting based on who is paying for the research and advertising. The choice of whether or not to consume dairy or what type of milk to consume is best made according to the priorities of the consumer, such as nutritional preferences, risks and benefits, and individual digestive reactions.

            The CDC and FDA post many warnings against consuming raw milk. These organizations claim that there are nothing but harmful bacteria and germs that have caused 79% of dairy related outbreaks between 1998-2011. However, other studies have shown that more illnesses have been recorded due to bacteria in deli meat. They also claim that almost no nutritional values and hardly any enzymes are lost in the pasteurization and homogenization processes. However, studies have shown better growth in children who drink raw human milk as opposed to pasteurized milk. Studies have also shown that enzymes and bacteria in raw milk protect people against asthma and allergies, and the hormones in raw milk strengthen the immune system. Due to the loss of lactobacilli bacteria through pasteurization, people who are lactose intolerant are more likely able to digest raw milk. Raw milk was found to be more digestible in 86% of lactose intolerant people.

            During pasteurization, the process of heating milk to kill bacteria, the milk is heated to 161 degrees for 15 seconds, or ultra-pasteurized, and heated to 280 degrees for a minimum of 2 seconds. The CDC claims that this does not significantly change nutritional value, but admits that some enzymes are inactivated and immunoglobulin are killed. Lactobacilli is killed which helps to digest lactose, and lipase is killed first in order for homogenization to even out the texture of the milk. Among enzymes killed in pasteurization are lipoprotein lipase, which increases the shelf life of milk once killed, plasmin protease, alkaline phosphatase, lysozyme which is the antibacterial, amylase, catalase, lactase, lactoperoxidase, and phosphatase. Milk contains 3.3% total protein, and the biggest cause for denatured proteins is the sensitivity of light of proteases, methionine and cystine. The high temperature of pasteurization causes whey and casein to interact but supposedly does not affect the nutritional value of milk, but only the functionality. After pasteurization, homogenization takes place so that the protein-heavy fat globules are broken down so there is not a cream layer on top and milk is more even throughout. This also makes the separation of whole, low fat, and skim milk easier. Because of the killing of lipase, there are an increased number of allergic reactions to the milk.

            The fat content in milk is another highly debated topic. Several decades ago, people only drank whole milk. Just a couple of decades ago, low fat milk was introduced to households and to school lunches by the FDA in attempt to make children healthier. However, whole milk is linked to lower body fat while low fat milk is linked to faster weight gain in children. The belief is that low fat foods makes one hungrier, and especially for carbohydrates. Not only does skim milk possibly cause a faster weight gain, but also with the absence of B vitamins combined with a person’s attempted metabolism of cow milk protein, homeocysteine is caused to buildup and that is a cocktail for heart disease. Also, in order to make milk appealing to children, flavored milks such as strawberry and chocolate are given to them that are filled with sugar, which negates any possible nutritional benefit of consuming milk, regardless of fat content.

            An array of health problems exists that are linked to dairy. Dairy is considered an inflammatory food that can cause arthritis flare-ups, as well as Rosacea and IBS. Alzheimer’s is also closely linked, as milk tainted with bovine tuberculosis is directly found in Alzheimer’s patients. 20-40% of dairy herds are infected with bovine tuberculosis. Also, Casein kinase 1 is found in the brains of patients, which builds up amyloid beta and notch cleavage.  As for Chron’s Disease, mycobacteria in cattle stops white blood cells from killing E. Coli by releasing the molecule mannose, and triggers the antibody protein ASCA. Infant ear infections are very likely caused by dairy, as there is 300% more casein in cow’s milk than human milk, and casein is very mucous forming. As for Osteoperosis and milk companies’ advertising that milk builds strong bones, the intake of milk has shown no effect on reducing the instance of fractures. This may possibly be due to increased urinary excretion of calcium when dairy is consumed. Diabetes and Multiple Sclerosis could be caused by dairy as people have the same abnormal autoimmune response to milk. Diabetes may be caused by cows’ milk when children are given cows’ milk formula before 3 months of age. Autism is famously linked to dairy, as diets that eliminate diary, most importantly eliminating casein, get rid of the gastrointestinal problems that are thought to worsen behavioral problems in autistic people. As our immune system is such a large part of our digestive system, casein irritates the respiratory system and causes allergies. Prostate and breast cancer are also shown through studies to be caused by dairy, most specifically IGF-1, which is increased with the injection of rBGH in cows. The hormone oestrogen secreted in cow’s milk is thought to cause breast cancer. 

            Among all of the concerns with drinking dairy, there is the treatment of cows, as well as the results of what cows are treated with. Cows are given rBGH, bovine growth hormone, in order to increase their milk production. These cows then have diarrhea, and with the proximity of the utters to the excretion, the utters and milk are contaminated with the bacteria in the diarrhea. Farmers admit that about 90% of dairy products in grocery stores have fecal matter. These cows also suffer from mastitis, and with mastitis, they have somatic cells in their milk. There is an estimated 1,120,000 somatic cells in each spoonful of milk. This means there is approximately 1 drop of pus in every cup. This is not a huge serving of pus, but it just depends on how much pus the consumer is okay with consuming.

            The drinking of milk is thought to have begun 7500 years ago between the Central Balkans and Central Europe. Europeans seem to have the highest rate of lactase persistence and are the only people who can continue to digest milk without issues. Cultures who tend to be lactose intolerant are African Americans, Hispanics and Latinos, American Indians, and Asian Americans. These cultures have lactase deficiency, which causes lactose malabsorption. At 3 years old, the age by which children normally wean, they stop producing lactase and rennin that helps them to digest milk.

            For all the controversy over whether dairy milk actually does a body good, there are several other milk sources that are beneficial to our health, and have good sources of vitamins and protein, among other nutrients. Whole milk has 150 calories, 8 grams of fat, 35 mg of cholesterol, 8 grams of protein, 12 grams of sugar, and 120 milligrams of sodium per cup. All other sources have fewer calories, fat, cholesterol and carbohydrates (with the exception of rice and oat milk). Soy milk has between 70-130 calories, 2-4 grams of fat, 7-9 grams of protein, and 4-5 grams of carbohydrates. Almond milk has 30-50 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1 gram of protein, and 1-5 grams of carbohydrates. Hemp milk, which is a great source of omega 3 fatty acids, has 70 calories, 6 grams of fat, 8-20 grams of protein, and 1 gram of carbohydrates. Oat milk has 110-130 calories, 1.5-2.5 grams of fat, 4 grams of protein, and 24 grams of carbohydrates. Coconut milk has 50 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1 gram of protein, and 1 gram of carbohydrates. According to the numbers, coconut milk is a great milk source if fat is a nutrient preference, whereas hemp milk is a great alternative if one needs protein. Also available are goat milk, which is high in fat, sheep milk which is high in protein, and buffalo milk which is very high in fat. Most of these alternative milks are fortified with calcium; a nutrient for which dairy milk is widely drunk. However, the calcium in dairy milk is not easily absorbed. One must have Vitamin D in order to absorb calcium. The only natural source of vitamin D is sunlight, although vitamin D is added to dairy milk. As a matter of fact, the combination of retinol and saturated fat in dairy milk can actually weaken bones. Instead of drinking milk, calcium can be found in better sources such as leafy green vegetables, beans, and supplements.

            As for infants, human milk is higher in carbohydrates and amino acids cystine and tryptophan, which make it much better for infants to digest. Milk consumption in childhood, especially before the age of 3 months is linked to type 1 diabetes. Milk allergies are also the leading cause of ear infections in children. Milk also causes behavioral problems and asthma. Although enzymes and chemicals are added to infant formula in order to help them to digest the cow milk protein, more information should be provided to parents to inform them against using formula if the ability to feed their children breast milk if available. Giving children cow’s milk after weaning is also unnecessary and parents should be informed of milk alternatives and their benefits versus the use of dairy.

            Heard often, each argument depends on who is paying for the research. Each individual should weigh the benefits of dairy consumption. However, more information needs to be made more widely available to people in order to make informed decisions. Most importantly, people should have proper information so they can make good decisions for the sake of their children, as their decision can impact whether their children will get diabetes, asthma, allergies, eczema, issues with autism, bacterial infections, and even cancer. With all of the alternatives available, dairy milk is not the only option, or even the best option for all the benefits its consumption supposedly has.

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The Story.

          

     With so many women simply going in for a repeat c-section after having one with their first at the advice of their doctor, many questioned why I fought so hard for a VBAC. There are so many benefits of a vaginal birth for a child. They receive the gut flora from their mother that helps with their digestion, the mother is more easily able to breastfeed due to the natural hormones that balance at delivery (and breast milk has GLA and antibodies necessary for the baby’s immune system as well as digestive function), and that same hormone cocktail possibly protects the mother from Postpartum Depression. There are also many other benefits that can be found with a quick google search. There are also many risks of a c-section that people don’t seem to recognize often. More woman die from c-sections than car accidents and breast cancer, babies risk traumatic deliveries, and most importantly, their separation from their mother, which is incredibly traumatic emotionally for both mother and child. I also most likely will want more children, and more c-sections lead to problems with placenta previa or accretia, uterine rupture, and premature birth, as well as other risks. Most importantly for me, however, was the beginning of my motherhood with Kai. When he was born and taken away from me after 25 hours of labor and an “emergency cesarean”…. I cringe every time I hear “emergency” followed by or preceded by 24 hours of labor because it’s almost never an emergency but the doctor’s impatience along with hospital protocol regarding pitocin…. Kai was held by his father and spent time with my other family members and Jake’s before he ever saw me. I was one of the last people to hold him after family and nurses. My hair stands on end with anger every time I think of Kai’s entrance into the world. I was immobile due to the c-section, so I couldn’t be his mother for the first week of his life. I could hobble around, yes, but I was in too much pain to carry him and change his diapers since I couldn’t handle the pain medications and switched to a simple dose of Tylenol and anti-inflammatory. Not that we didn’t bond at all, because I certainly love my Kai more than words could ever express, and his love for his mother is obvious. A mother and son’s bond is like no other, regardless of any situation. Needless to say, however, I wanted a very different outcome my second time around, so I started doing my research six weeks after Kai’s birth, and promised myself I would get what our family needed.

            As soon as I got a positive pregnancy test, I called the only truly VBAC supportive doctor in the state. She was/is amazing. She e-mailed me back and forth when I needed support or had any questions. She called me to update me or keep me informed on anything that popped up. Then the news came at my 23-week appointment that the original OB who cut Kai out of me gave me a single layer suture. Why? Maybe he was in a rush and wanted to get home to dinner and already spent 12 hours trying to convince me to go for a c-section that day. Maybe he didn’t care that I wanted a VBAC (although he knew) and just did what he did routinely. Or maybe he told me the truth when I called him to tell him how upset I was due to his decision when he said single layer sutures have less chances for infection and cause less trauma to the uterus than a double layer, as I had a very thin incision. Besides, 3 out of 5 studies show this to be the truth… Who knows. Regardless, the hospital at which my doctor practiced at would not allow a VBAC on a patient with a single layer suture cesarean, so my search continued.

            I called several doctors and midwives all over the tri-state area. I scheduled an appointment with one doctor who didn’t even know doctors still performed single layer sutures these days, but agreed to have a chat with me. I drove an hour to see her, only to find that the receptionist scheduled my appointment for the wrong month. I saw that as a sign that this wasn’t going to be my doctor, as I do not have the patience to drive 2 hours to not be fit in. The second doctor I saw who was supposedly supportive of VBACs told me she has only performed 8 VBACs of an attempted 10. Of those 10, all women had a “proven pelvis” so she didn’t feel confident in my success seeing as I didn’t have a proven pelvis. I tried to tell her how healthy I was with my nutritional and athletic background, and she told me that health has nothing to do with the success of a VBAC. That was interesting, seeing as ACOG’s guidelines points to health as being the number one indicator in finding whether a patient is a good candidate for a VBAC. I then saw a midwife at that practice. She told me I am a participant in my labor. A participant? I’m pretty sure I’m the one birthing the baby and the doctors/midwives/nurses can maybe call them the participants. I saw another midwife who seemed to be tolerable, so I stuck with her. After all, I did need someone to attend this birth, as I didn’t know what the heck to do with labor and birth. I also called the only home-birthing midwife practice in the state, and the head midwife there wouldn’t see me. I’m not sure whether it was the single layer suture that turned her off or the fact that I wanted a VBAC.

            Enter my midwife. I made a list of several midwives and doctors in the tri-state area, and called many on the list. I finally spoke to a woman who immediately sounded like my open window. I called her sobbing incessantly the day when I felt completely hopeless. This was just before settling for the second hospital midwife I saw. Just before calling her, I finally admitted to my mom what I was going through, because I didn’t see a light at the end of the tunnel. No one wanted to attend my birth, and help me to ensure it to be a natural birth and do what was in the best interest of my child and me. She talked me through every scenario of homebirth outcomes, and every scenario for how I could have the birth I wanted. She told me that I still have options, and understood how ludicrous it was that I was having such trouble to simply give birth. Besides, VBACs ARE safer than repeat c-sections. She was busy for the foreseeable future, so she asked if she could come over that day. She drove all the way down and walked through my door and gave me the most understanding hug. I nearly started crying again just because I was so happy to find someone who was willing to help me. Not only did I find “someone,” I found someone with a wealth of knowledge and experience around the world, as well as a woman with a heart of gold. I basically found the modern day Mother Theresa in my eyes. Just as when I met Jake, it was like God gave me no excuse but to be with him because he knows I’m not the best at making decisions, he did the same in this case. God shut every door to every wrong opportunity for a care provider, and put the right one right on my doorstep, as he put me on Jake’s doorstep 6 years ago. What can I say, when God answers my prayers, he makes sure I see the answer and know it for what it is.

            I kept my hospital midwife, as my insurance doesn’t cover my midwife, and that way my ultrasounds and what not would be taken care of. I wanted to have someone in my corner at the hospital in case I did need a non-urgent transport during labor. This actually added much unnecessary stress, in hindsight. The doctors and midwives at the practice held conferences about me and decided I needed to be talked into a repeat c-section, as my children will be less than 18 months apart. I told them I would most likely go late, and that wouldn’t be an issue. I was right. 18 months on the dot. Then at 40 weeks they wanted to induce me because I had oligohydramnios, or low fluid. I didn’t, as they simply weren’t measuring all pockets and didn’t give me full credit. My midwife checked me via palpation continuously, and could tell I had ample fluid. No one at the hospital practice ever touched my belly. They then tried to induce me at 41 weeks for the same thing, even after another doctor did an AFI and found that I had plenty of fluid. Then 42 weeks rolled around, and the hospital midwife turned to the most often used reason in the book, telling me “You’re baby is going to die.” Her reasoning? I was post-dates, my placenta is showing calcification, and my babies are less than 18 months apart. I reminded her that my babies would be at least 18 months apart at the point, and placenta calcification happens after 30 weeks anyway. When my placenta decides to stop working, I will go into labor. And 42 weeks is not post-dates, by the way. After 42 weeks, I would be post dates, but I continued to monitor the baby’s heart rate and his reaction to contractions and activity. He was doing great. And why was I so against induction? Because inductions tend to fail and end up in c-section since the babies aren’t ready to be born yet. If the baby is not ready to be born yet, he could have breathing issues, as well as brain damage due to artificial contractions that get him nowhere (which is why pitocin inductions lead to “emergency c-sections” due to fetal stress that would never have happened without the pitocin).

            After a week of prodromal labor where I was having contractions 3-5 minutes apart every night, I finally went into labor, which lasted 67 hours at exactly 42 weeks + 5 days. I told Jake that after this, a marathon will be the easiest accomplishment of my life. Imagine having your groin and stomach electrocuted every 5-7 minutes for 67 hours. That’s the only way I can describe that to anyone who hasn’t been through that. They finally felt nearly unbearable at a certain point due to my exhaustion, and after my midwife checked me, I was 9 centimeters dilated. She said it with a smile, but I wasn’t sure what that meant. I asked her if that meant I was going to see my baby that day. She laughed, but come on; I didn’t know labor could last 3 days either. Who knew how much longer I could survive through that. I got in the tub and started pushing and out came my baby boy, all 7 lb 4 oz of him. My face was the first face he saw, and that has to have something to do with the way he is so beautifully attached to me like no one else. My first didn’t even know me from anyone else in the beginning, other than the fact that I had the milk. This little man calms down at the sound of my voice or the sight of my face. It’s an incredible feeling. He then latched and nursed 26 minutes after birth, without me even trying. I was simply holding him and he found the source on his own. I have barely put him down since, and hate to do it when I do, and have been up and moving around and out of the house since he was 2 days old. Recovery is so much easier this go-round, and my relationship with my baby is so guiltless compared to with my first. Big brother loves his new baby brother and life with a newborn couldn’t be easier. This time last year I was googling death by exhaustion. This time I can’t understand why I have energy or why this baby is treating me so well.

            Faith in God, faith that he will make things happen, and trust in my body that I am capable of doing what every woman before me has done, and never-ending support from my husband got me through it all. Throughout those last few hours of labor I kept chanting to myself, “God give me strength, give me courage, and deliver this boy safely”. I am so thankful I stuck it out to the end and things happened the way they were meant to. It all paid off. As for my midwife and home birth, I never want to go a different route. I feel so much safer in the hands of someone who has expertise and experience and relies on their brain for instantaneous events than in the chair of a doctor who relies solely on technological devices. Doesn’t it make sense that someone who only ever uses a calculator can not act as quickly as someone who uses their own brains the majority of the time is much more quick to seeing solutions to problems as they arise? My midwife had me do several exercises months before the birth, to ensure good positioning of my baby. Like training for your first marathon, you wouldn’t ignore the advice of the very experienced coach! Positioning of the baby has so much to do with the outcome of labor. With my sweet baby boy in my arms, I’m thankful for every bit of the challenge I was given to overcome. And by the looks of my littlest man, he is happy for all we went through as well, for I have never seen a baby smile or laugh as much as he does. His first smile? Day 1. That is what it’s all about.

Celiac and Breastfeeding

    It's national breastfeeding week. And I have a few days off until my next class, so I figure this is the best time to touch on this topic.
    When I had my first little man, I was determined to nurse him exclusively forever, or at least until I had my next little one. I thought anyone could nurse a baby so long as they weren't part of the 5% of women who have the disorder where their breasts are tubal and they legitimately can not produce milk. Kai was incredibly thin for the first three months of his life, because I refused to admit that he was not getting enough milk. Heck, my supply was enough for a couple kids. He was peeing through every diaper every half hour it seemed. He was well hydrated, but he never gained weight and was never satisfied after eating. He nursed for a half hour, then was hungry again a few minutes later. I finally gave in and gave him a few ounces of formula about three times, at which time he actually gained several ounces. At three months, I finally admitted that he was too tiny for me to be nourishing him the way he needed, and gave him formula.
    I have done so much research since then, and have come across every conclusion in the books as to why I didn't produce the right milk for my baby. No one had any answers for me, and lactation consultants (I went to about 7) laughed at me thinking I was bragging about not producing fat in my milk. I went home crying several times because I was so upset that no one would take me seriously, or that no one really seemed to know enough about nursing to be considered a lactation specialist. One consultant told me I need to go home and eat a jar of peanut butter. Another couple told me all breast milk has 20 calories per ounce, and that I am no special exception.
    One lactation specialist actually listened to me and although she didn't have an answer for me, she definitely made some points that made me think. I do have PCOS, but problems related to PCOS are either an over supply or under supply. With an over supply, you still have a certain balance of fore milk and hind milk. I definitely didn't have an under supply either. I then listened to a webinar about probiotics and digestive enzymes, which was basically led by God, I'm pretty sure. The speaker thoroughly explained Celiac Disease, as well as other auto-immune diseases and their effects on the intestines, which effected fat absorption. I just figured for the past few years that since I haven't had gluten since being diagnosed, I am most likely healed and it's a thing of the past. However, I never took enzymes or amino acids or teas or oils to heal my gut. If I can't absorb the fat necessary, fat will in turn not be produced in my milk.
    While pregnant with my second little man, I took digestive enzymes, glutamine, and flax oil daily, on top of my prenatals with probiotics. I also made sure to get a good deal of fat in my diet. As soon as I had my son, he latched on his own, and he's been gaining like a champ ever since! When he was born, I also got very strict with my diet, making sure I get at least 30% of my daily calories from fat. I normally get about 40-50% from fat to be honest. I also steer clear of sugar, which can throw off hormones, and I only eat whole foods. For the first few weeks of his life, he gained an ounce a day, which is above average! He regained his birth weight within the first week of his life. I am continuing my regimen since it's working, and am so glad I found an answer before he was born in order to be able to nourish him the way I know he should be nourished.
    I couldn't find any information out there about Celiac Disease and breast feeding, except that it's possible. What I did find, was a bunch of bad information.
Good info:
-While breastfeeding, healthy fats such as avocado, coconut oil, flax oil, nuts and seeds should be included in the diet.
-Protein and water should be plentiful at each meal.
-Pumping often increases milk production.
-Breast is best.
Bad info:
-Whey protein shuts down milk production... (it actually increases it!!)
-All milk has the same caloric makeup... (even breast milk for different babies from the same mother is different depending on what the baby needs!)
-Working out and losing weight decreases milk production... (nope.)

The Right to Give Birth

Women’s rights. What does that mean anyway? Voting rights, equal pay, reproductive rights, equal opportunity…. What about the right to have your baby however you damn well choose? How can a doctor make one decision that affects the rest of you and your baby’s or babies’ futures?

My husband and I planned our pregnancy. We had to due to “infertility”. We went down this road knowing how unpredictable babies can be. However, we thought we could plan our birth regarding who would be there, what interventions I would refuse, how much time I would be given to give birth, and how the baby would be cared for once he arrived.

From the beginning of my appointments, my doctor told me there is no reason for me to have a C-section unless something went terribly wrong. From the looks of it, my pelvic structure was perfectly normal, I was in great physical shape, and the baby was healthy.  I went over my birth plan with him several times to assure he understood how important it would be to me, not to have any kind of intervention, especially any kind of medication.

Why did I not have a home birth in the first place? I thought they were unsafe because gut tells you that being in a hospital in case something went wrong would give you access to the quickest medical help that could save you and your baby’s lives, right? Wrong. Home births attended by midwives are actually proven to be safer for both mom and baby. Hospitals can actually reduce the chances of a woman going into labor spontaneously due to being around unfamiliar equipment, and the medical interventions can cause unfavorable outcomes in otherwise healthy women (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1694364/pdf/amjph00540-0124.pdf)

I trusted my doctor, and thought I was educated enough to know when and how to refuse any interventions. I did know that if something were to happen, I would have to have a C-section. I was perfectly open to that if it were to save my child’s life. I told my doctor that in that case I would want to have a VBAC next time and he assured me there would be no reason in most cases why I couldn’t have that.

The documentary, “The Business of Being Born” depicted my birth so perfectly it is frightening. So many women have the same thing happen and are scared into C-sections, which is why I want more women to understand why it is so essential for them to do research and speak up. My water released at 7:50 PM Monday night, I had some small contractions throughout the night after going to the hospital right away (dumb move #1), and nothing really changed by 8  AM. The nurses kept telling me I need to start Pitocin since it will help me to contract effectively, which is stupid because the baby hadn’t even dropped and I hadn’t dilated more than 1 cm). At 9:15 I agreed to allow my doctor to start the Pitocin (dumb move #2). As the day went on, they would increase the dose of Pitocin, and my contractions would grow stronger. I walked around and got into numerous positions to help the baby to drop. The nurses continued to ask me if I wanted to go ahead and have a c-section since chances are that nothing would change. At 8:15 PM, the on-call doctor told me that my heavy contractions could be hurting the baby, but still aren’t helping me to dilate and the baby was still high. She told me that chances are, my baby will get stressed from the contractions and the outcome could be devastating. My doctor had apparently been waiting in the operating room ready for me to make a decision and get cut open. At 8:45 I agreed to the C-section since the doctor and nurses kept scaring me telling me my baby could die. At 8:50 they inserted the epidural and at 8:55 my baby was “born”.

None of this would be traumatic had I actually needed the Pitocin in the first place, and had my baby really had the big chance of dying, and had I not ben completely paralyzed from the epidural from my face down and able to do nothing other than vomit and shake so I couldn’t hold my newborn who I’d been more excited and overjoyed to meet than anything I’d ever wanted in my life. You see, this is where you need to learn the reasons for and effects of medical interventions before going to a hospital to give birth, be that your choice. If your baby has dropped and you are stuck at say, 6 cm dilation or whatever, sure Pitocin might help you. However, if your baby has not dropped and you haven’t dilated, Pitocin will do nothing but stop your body from continuing labor and simply give you false contractions and give your body the signal to rely on that medical intervention to keep you going. Had I not had the Pitocin, my body could have most likely gone into second stage labor eventually, even if it would take a day or two. The baby could have been perfectly fine without the induced stress on my uterus squeezing the crap out of him getting him nowhere. Many first time moms take a while to go into active labor, and I was one of those.

I tried to deal with it, thinking the C-section saved my baby’s life, and that I’ll just have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth after Cesarean) next time. At 6 weeks postpartum, I was already scouring doctors via the internet and phone calls trying to find who would be the most VBAC supportive. To be supportive is one thing, to actually be committed to helping you with your VBAC is a completely different story. I looked at success rates. I found a doctor I was set on who had a 99% success rate at her hospital. When I found out I was pregnant again, I called her immediately to schedule an appointment. Everything was great until she asked for my operative report, only to find that the doctor who cut me open gave me a single-layer suture, instead of a double-layer suture. Her hospital policy would not allow her to attend my birth because of that one problem. By the way, there is no evidence that a VBAC on a woman with either suture would make any difference. There are arguments in both cases.

In my 24^th week of pregnancy, I had no one to attend my birth. I called several VBAC friendly doctors to ask who would help me with a VBAC though I have a single-layer suture. Some said they wouldn’t, and others said they might, while others wouldn’t even answer my question. “Might” is not good enough. I will NOT be cut open again. The success rate of VBACs is incredibly low in the first place in a hospital setting, simply due to the calls made by the doctors who just want to get home in time for dinner and don’t want to risk a medical malpractice suit. I called the only home birthing midwifery in the state and the founder would not allow any of her midwives to help me. She said she would be putting the practice of midwifery in danger. Midwives in bordering states have been crossing the state line for years to help women like me in need. However, these women get cease and desist letters and put their practice at risk every time. So basically, the law is trying to force me to give birth in a hospital, ultimately forcing me to have a repeat C-section, which will put me at greater risk of uterine rupture in the future and decrease the amount of children I can safely have. The law is trying to decide my future. Will I let that happen? Absolutely not. Can the law take away my God-given right to birth my child in the safest way possible? Not at all.

It’s funny, I asked a midwife if I could just go to a doctor who says they “might” give me a VBAC and be armed with all of my information. I asked if I could have a similar outcome at home as I would at the hospital if I simply refused all interventions and wouldn’t allow anyone to do any cervical checks or give me a time limit or anything. She said she’s been at births where women were slipped Pitocin via IV against their wishes, among other things. Out goes that compromise.

Sure, it’s great we have the fall back of having a C-section to save our baby and our life if something were to go very wrong. However, just because our baby is positioned a little differently than optimal for a quick delivery, or our pelvis is just a little small for a smooth slide out, or our labor takes a long time due to whatever does not mean we need to jeopardize our futures or our babies’ futures by cutting them out so quickly. We all need to look into the dangers of C-sections and the advantages of Vaginal Births. There are so many reasons babies should be born the way they were designed. From breastfeeding, advantageous intestinal bacteria, and brain and lung function to an array of other things, babies need the chance to be born naturally. No one should be able to choose for us, how or where we give birth. Until more women understand the importance of standing up for their right, there will be many of us left to struggle our way through something that should just be natural.

I mean really, why is it so hard for me to just give birth???