Thursday, January 15, 2015

It's Kai's (and my) 2nd Birthday.

Two years ago today, I became a different person. I am worlds away from who I was before January 15, 2013. One moment, I was just another woman in my mid-twenties who was only concerned with my own well being, and my marriage. The next moment, at exactly 8:55 PM, I became a mother. I experienced a thousand different feelings all of the sudden, and I was forever changed. I became a mother, a feminist, a baby-lover, someone who sees love in every little thing, and am more joyful than I have ever been in my whole life.

Due to my unnecessary c-section, which I still struggle with, I learned things I never thought I'd need to know. But that experience made me a feminist. That experience helped put me where I am today. On Kai's 1st birthday, I cried because I couldn't help but remember that his birthday was the absolute most worst day of my entire life. My firstborn was cut out of me and I was told it was because I am not able to birth a child. But not this year. I'm only crying tears of joy this year.

I have feelings I believe you can only have as a parent (regardless of how you got there, or whether or not you are a biological or adoptive parent). Although I have always been a happy, optimistic person, I truly feel joyful every day of my life. Although I know that God is absolutely everywhere, I now see God unmistakably, everyday. Every time I look into my 2 year old's eyes, I see God. Before having children, I didn't love everyone's kid. I figured I'd be a mom who loved my kids, but other people's kids... not so much. But after having Kai, I love every single kid. I'm that creepy lady who smiles at your kid in the mall just because I think they're sweet.

On the plane the other day, I heard the man behind me say "I'm so glad I don't have kids to worry about" as he was looking at my husband with my 2 year old and me with my 6 month old. I just thought how that man will never experience the joy I feel everyday. I am tired, nervous, paranoid, and overwhelmed much of the time, sure. However, I laugh every single day. I have cried sad tears twice in the past 2 years. I cried when I was struggling with finding someone to attend Luca's birth, and I cried when my Grandfather passed away. Other than that, I have spent hours upon hours laughing until I cried.

2 years and one day ago, my water broke and I went straight to the hospital (mistake number 1). 5 months and 1 week ago, I thought my water broke and I had a fetal non-stress test since Luca was 2 weeks "late" at that point, so I stuck a pad in my underwear, went to my hospital doctor where I refused a cervical exam, then went to Panera for lunch. I think that sums up how much I've changed. 2 years ago, I did what people thought was right. 6 months ago to the day, I proved that I was a changed person when I brought Luca into the world in my own home with only people who loved me and my child, and supported what was best for us.

Kai (and Luca) has shown to me what kind of love still exists in the world. The kind of innocent love of a child who loves you just because you're his world. 2 years ago, God changed me. God made me the person my child needed me to be. God made me the wife I needed to be. My child and husband had who they needed. 6 months ago, God made me see that I was the person everyone else already knew I was.

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